A lil update.
I haven’t posted on here in 2 months. This probably sent you into a slight depression and crying frenzy, I know, I’m sorry. Wipe your tears though because I am about to vomit a whole lot of words at you right now.
I have been trying to figure out a few things.
Maybe not just a few.
I got mad at myself the other day because I was sitting in bed, scrolling through endless, stupid tweets about Walmart boy (but seriously when is he going on tour??), SpongeBob memes, and people putting tin foil in the microwave. I stopped and actually questioned what I was doing with my life.
I jokingly ask myself this all the time, especially when I am on my 3rd ice cream container, halfway through the week. But, this time I actually thought about it.
I looked back on what I had done that week. School. Work. Homework. School. Work. I was getting used to the place I was in. I felt that I wasn’t going anywhere. I wasn’t achieving anything. And I didn’t like that.
I suddenly got this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach and became anxious about the fact that I am wasting my life away.
You might have just laughed and went to go exit my teenage breakdown/”my life is falling apart” post. And YA people tell me, “You’re 19!!! You’re so young!!” But inside, I feel each and everyday slipping away and theres me; wishing I could rewind to relive it in a more glorious way!!! Instead I go back to finishing my homework discussion post, where I try to come up with an intelligent response to what Karen thinks about diet fads.
It is crazy to think that some of the best days of our lives haven’t happened yet. And that makes me so anxious to start creating those days!! And then I have to remind myself again. I’m only 19. And then at the same time my brain says, “You’re almost 20!!”
See, it’s just a viscous cycle of “You’re young! You have plenty of time!” and “You’re young! Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I am not saying that I am not grateful for where I am, because oh man!! I am SO SO happy and in love with the job I have and the people I have in my life right now. If I didn’t have this nagging feeling that there are bigger things out there, I would be happy right where I am right now. This may sound selfish, but I want to experience more. I don’t want to learn about the world sitting in a classroom. I want to go out and experience it, diet fads and all!!!
Another thing I have beat myself up over these past 2 months is the future. I have always worried about the future. I have always had a plan. A plan for what I am doing tomorrow, next week, next month. I knew what I wanted go study, what job I was going to have and what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. But in the past couple of months I have come to the smack-in-the-face realization, that I definitely do not have a plan. Not even an idea. And that scares me.
But. In the past couple of months I’ve also become closer to that big guy in sky!! That was one of my goals of 2018. And I realized that I have absolutely. no. control. over the future. It is all in His hands. Our anxiety does not come from worrying about the future it comes from wanting to control it!! And I have learned to except that. He is going to plant a whole lot of bumps in the road, but it is for a good reason. He is guiding you somewhere. You may not know where the heck that is!!! But, He DOES. And you have to put all your faith in that. Even if it’s really freakin scary.
I do know one thing. I want to spend everyday like it’s my last. Because honestly, you don’t know if it could be your last. I want to have stories to tell my kids when I am older. Stories that are way more exciting than the kid who became famous by yodeling in a Walmart!!! (Sorry kid!!)
But first. 3 more classes. I have 3 more classes until I finish my associate degree. Heck, it is just an associate degree, but I don’t think a bachelors degree can teach me what I am wishing to go out and discover. Sorry college!!! I never minded school. I get good grades. But I feel like it isn’t getting me where I want to be. Not saying I won’t go back to school. Because I do love learning new things. (Just not about how many different kinds of rocks there are.)
Anyway. Now that you’ve experienced my meltdown in words. Here are 3 things I taught myself in these past couple of months.
1. The future is hella scary. Especially if you have no idea what you’re doing. But, you can’t just stay in your comfort zone for the rest of your life, all because it’s something that’s familiar to you. If you can’t stop thinking about it, don’t stop working for it. If you want to become a doctor, go and become a doctor!!! If you want to become famous by singing in Walmart, become famous by singing in Walmart!! If you want to travel the world, travel the world!!
2. Wait. If you’re not where you want to be right now, don’t worry. Don’t get yourself worked up over the fact that you’re not dating or successful or married or pregnant. Everyone achieves things their own way. No matter how long it takes you to finish that degree, or get married or get your dream job, just know that He has a plan for you. You just haven’t gotten there yet. Be patient. The best is yet to come.
3. Dream. There’s no saying that you can’t dream! Dream about that incredible trip to a different country you want to take. Dream about that future home you can’t wait to move into. Dream about finishing your degree. Dream about that job you always thought you’d have. Just don’t beat yourself up over the fact that you’re not there yet.
So, I’ll be over here, finishing up these last 3 classes. Dreaming and waiting for what He has in store.